


cause i wanna be yours (don't you wanna be mine?)

by Stem Azani (mushroombiome)



Category: MindCrack RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pining, cute drunken adventures, honestly it's fake drama lmao, lots of hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 15:08:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8494672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushroombiome/pseuds/Stem%20Azani
Summary: five times where they shared silences, one time the silence was broken





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys i’m going through a chevadus-related thing but idk if we really are gonna date in the end and this is the only way i can channel it because i have nowhere else to turn to, really
> 
> ALL MISTAKES AND PLOT HOLES ARE MINE 
> 
> I DONT KNOW WHAT MIDTERMS ARE LMAO

**1\. every time i see your bubbly face**

“You guys wanna explore the city?”

Chad, Matt, and Seth sit outside the convention after a long and fun day at PAX East.

“I’m down,” Chad replies. “I kinda wanna get something sweet. Like dessert. Or candy.”

“Oh man,” Matt says. “That sounds so good right now.”

“I think I’m gonna head back to the hotel,” Seth says. “I was up early this morning and I’m gonna catch a quick nap before we all meet up. I’m gonna join Jason and Uber back.”

“Okay! Text us when you get back to your room!”

Seth walks off to Jason, leaving Chad and Matt on the corner of the intersection.

“Alright,” Chad says. “Where off too?”

“I mean,” Matt points in one direction. “That way is Downtown Boston. There’s bound to be some dessert place there, surely.”

“Alright! Let’s go.”

“Do you wanna try to look for one without Yelp or Google Maps?”

Chad gapes at him. “Are you serious?!”

“Why not?” Matt replies. “It’ll be super fun. Plus, we never get to explore the city during cons.”

“You’re right. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Approximately two hours later, Chad and Matt are completely lost and hungry. Luck is not on their side; every single dessert place they’ve encountered is either closed or incredibly busy.

“That’s it,” Chad says. “I’m pulling out my phone. I can’t deal with this.”

“T-that’s totally fine.” Matt replies.

“Dude. Are you okay?”

He wishes he was, but he’s actually super fucking cold. His hands are buried in his pockets and he’s trying his best not to shiver.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Alright. There’s a bubble tea place a few blocks down. Are you okay with that?”

“Sure.”

The walk to the bubble tea shop is longer than Matt had anticipated. He’s grown up in Virginia his whole life but his body’s adapted to the tropical weather in Hawaii. He’s cold as shit right now and he can’t stay strong for any longer. For the past five minutes he’s been power-walking to the destination to try to generate some semblance of heat in this chilly hell.

After a few minutes, he feels a nudge on his shoulder, reminding him that he has a companion with him.

He turns his head to find Chad, one layer less, holding out a jacket for him.

At any other time, Matt would have declined but he’s just so fucking cold that he accepts the coat and puts it on.

“Thanks,” Matt says, smelling a faint scent of cologne from the fabric. "You just saved my fucking life."

“It looks good on you,” Chad responds with a smile, and Matt ignores the funny feeling in his stomach as a result.

They say nothing else to the walk to the bubble tea shop but now that Matt has an extra layer, he’s walking much slower now, his steps matching Chad's.

He isn’t sure if the warmth is from the jacket or something entirely different.

* * *

 

**2\. it kinda crept up (and took me by surprise)**

He likes Chad.

 _Like_ -likes him.

He should be more surprised by the fact, but he’s not. When he first saw that picture of his undercut a few months ago, Matt knew he was head over heels in gay for him.

So much for keeping his distance from cute boys.

Upon this recent discovery, he finds it hard not to be drawn to Chad, to be by his side joking with him or to be making fun of him 100% of the time. His presence is comforting, something he's never felt with another person before.

After E3 is done, he finds himself being dragged to some of Chad’s favorite restaurants in Los Angeles.

“‘Lemonade’?” Matt asks, staring at the pastel interior decorations. “Chad, what the fuck kind of place is this?”

“It is the best healthy food ever,” Chad replies. “I’ll choose the food for you. You won't be disappointed."

They find their seats on a patio adorned with flowers and warm California sunshine. Matt really isn’t used to this scene

“Where did you find this place?” Matt asks.

“I met a guy who took me here on a date,” Chad replies. “Believe me, I had my doubts too.”

A wave of conflicting emotions washes over Matt and almost leaves him lightheaded: the fact that Chad, in fact, likes boys and that maybe this crush isn’t actually a Straight Crush™ after all, and the fact that he already has an LA boyfriend who is probably way more hotter and charming than Matt.

Shit.

“Wow, Chad,” Matt replies in a singsong voice, trying to push down his feelings of disappointment as much as he can before it ruins his mood. “Getting out there, huh?”

“Not really,” Chad shrugs. “We kinda hooked up at a gay bar but he had this whole complicated thing with his boyfriend and I had to break things off after the second date because apparently things weren’t over with his ex and I didn’t wanna get in the middle of that.”

Matt almost breathes a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry. Have you had any other luck so far?”

“Psh, nah. That whole ordeal kinda freaked me out a little. LA culture is fucking wild, man.”

“I bet.”

"What about you? Anyone special?"

Matt laughs. "Nah. With moving to Seattle and starting the company and being a full-time streamer, there's just no time for me to be meeting new people."

"I feel that. Content creation is fun but there's really not much of a social life except with other content creators."

They continue talking about life, relationships and sexuality. It's just so easy to talk to Chad now that he's revealed that he's bi and likes guys too. Matt's never been able to talk about his past relationships with anyone outside his sister and Alex for a long time.

“What do you think of the food?” Chad then asks after they’ve cleared their plates. Matt isn't sure how long they've been talking, but judging by the sunset, it seems like they've been talking for a good three hours.

“It’s actually really good. Who knew healthy food could be fucking delicious?”

“I know right!”

They’re walking down Santa Monica Boulevard back to Chad’s apartment in silence; most of the conversation energy was spent back at the restaurant.

But out of the blue, Matt playfully nudges Chad’s shoulder with his.

_I’m glad I’m here._

In return, Chad smiles at him and returns the favor, nudging Matt towards the street.

_I’m glad you’re here, too._

And at this moment, Matt realizes that seeing Chad already bright smile under the golden Californian sunset makes him feel a wave of affection that leaves him feeling warm and fuzzy in his stomach.

He really wouldn’t mind kissing and holding his hand.

* * *

 

**3\. we’re in danger (sleeping with a friend)**

It could not get any better than this: all your best friends all in one room, playing video games and having a good time while raising money for a great cause. It is approximately a few hours after the marathon and the entire Mindcrack crew has found themselves packed in a pub, celebrating and having a great time.

Here’s the thing. It's been a while since Matt has been this drunk. He usually keeps track of his drinks, but all his Responsible Drunk Rules fly out the window once the alcohol comes pouring in.

Right now, he's stumbling behind Drew with Chad next to him. They’re the only two who isn’t taking the Uber back and is going with Drew who is the only sober one in the group.

"Drew," Chad exclaims in drunken fervor. "Drew, you’re the fucking best.”

“I fucking agree,” Matt slurs.

“Thanks,” Drew replies, laughing off his drunk friends.

The ride back to the hotel is a fun time: Drew was nice enough to play some Beyonce while Chad and Matt do a beautiful drunken rendition of Drunk In Love (and maybe get a little too handsy during the verses.)

“Isn’t your hotel room next door?” Matt asks as they reach their rooms. He fiddles with the hotel key, trying not to feel the warmth of Chad’s forehead against his shoulder.

“I live next to you,” he mumbles. “I can go to my room from the bathroom.”

“We don’t have a suite room, dumbass.”

“Oh.”

Chad walks into his hotel room anyways.

It’s always quite an experience, trying to stumble your way through the dark. Somehow, Chad finds his way onto the bed and Matt, the more responsible drunk, finds all the lights and pulls out water for the both of them. He frowns at the sight of Chad sprawled out on his bed like a starfish.

“You’re hogging the fucking bed,” Matt says, jabbing the cold water bottles against his side.

Chad yelps and jumps to the other side of the bed. “Dude! That’s fucking cold!”

“That’s what you get for sleeping on the one bed that I have.”

“It’s a comfy as shit bed.” Chad’s voice gets muffled from the pillow his face is currently buried under.

“You have the same bed in your room.”

“It’s comfier with you in it.”

Matt freezes, his face feeling warm all of a sudden. He brushes it off as a drunk flush and throws him one of his water bottles.

“Drink,” he orders.

“No,” Chad replies.

“It’s gonna be good for you.”

“Noooooooo.”

Matt plops down on the bed right next to him. “You’re gonna regret it in the morning.”

Chad murmurs something incoherent that he can’t make out, except for the words “YOLO” and “no regrets.”

Once Matt is settled, he can definitely feel the alcohol coursing through his veins. He feels fuzzy and light, like he’s floating through space where he can feel radio waves vibrating through his skin.

Maybe he does need to sleep.

Then, he hears a laugh, pulling himself out of his reverie. He turns his head to see Chad, in all his red-haired and red-faced glory, staring at Matt with a huge smile on his face emitting giggles.

“What’re you laughing at?” Matt slurs.

“You’re so cute,” Chad replies like it’s the easiest thing in the world for him to say that.

“You’re cute,” Matt then says like it’s the easiest thing in the world for _him_ to say that.

Chad lifts his hand and suddenly he and Matt’s fingers are laced together.

Kinda.

They lay silent, idly playing with each other’s hands like they’ve been doing this for years. Their fingers grace through every hidden fold and every crease of each other’s skin as if they’re trying to commit every little detail in their memory.

There’s something in the back of Matt’s mind that’s telling him that this is a terrible idea, but he feels warm and comfortable in a way that alcohol has never made him feel before. But he wonders if that warm feeling is something other than the alcohol.

Maybe it’s sleepiness.

Because holding hands is the last thing Matt remembers when he wakes up the next morning.

And when he wakes up, he is alone.

* * *

**4. tell me why you're gonna try (gonna try and leave me here)**

“I’m moving to Dallas.”

This is the first time Chad has talked to Matt since the marathon. Matt has tried to be in contact with him for the longest time but after the first month of no contact, he gave up. He finds himself lurking anonymously in Chad’s streams or scrolling through his Twitter account with a sense of longing that he doesn't want to feel.

“I see,” he replies. He’s not sure why he feels a sense of dread, but the feeling of his stomach dropping is there and he can’t avoid it.

“You’re the first person I’ve told this to,” Chad says. “I don’t know why.”

“I don’t know why, either.”

Matt doesn’t know why he says that, but it leaves for a long, uncomfortable few seconds of silence.

“I’m moving in a month.”

“I see.”

Matt wants to ask Chad a million questions. _Are you okay? What happened that night after the marathon?_

_Why are you being so distant?_

He doesn’t say anything.

“I wanted to let you know,” Chad says. “I’ll talk to you later.”

_Will you?_

"Okay."

“Bye Matt.”

“Bye, Chad.”

* * *

**5\. our love was lost (but now we found it)**

He’s probably been standing in front of the door for at least five minutes.

Chad stares at the number on the door, the same number that matches the address shown on his iPhone titled “Matt’s address for PAX West”. He grips the handle of his luggage, raising his fist to knock. He steadies his breathing, counting to ten like the way his sister would tell him to whenever he gets anxious.

Something’s changed the past few months between him and Matt. Chad can’t pinpoint an exact moment, but he figures it’s around the time he moved to Dallas. He knows that he hasn't been the greatest person, especially after a few conversations with Erin and Alex, and he knows that it's going to be very awkward sharing a living space with Matt.

Chad knocks, faint, but loud enough to signal that he's at the door.

When the door opens to find Matt on the other side, with his hair frazzled. He's already wearing pajamas for the night.

“Hi,” Chad says, his face feeling unusually warm.

“Hey!” he replies. “Come on in.”

Matt’s apartment is just how Chad expects. Not too messy, but not too neat. It feels like a home thoroughly lived in.

“Nice digs,” Chad comments.

“Thanks. I really love it here.”

“Seattle’s such a great city for you.”

“It really is.”

“I’m glad you moved out here.”

Matt shoots him a quick glance that Chad can’t make out, but he brushes it off if only to get his luggage into the guest room.

He lets Chad unpack on his own, giving him a quick reminder about making himself at home and that he can get as much snacks from his kitchen as he wants.

He doesn’t see Matt until hours later, when he’s lounging on the bed on his phone (trying not to think about a certain person) and he’s already changed into his pajamas.

“Hey,” Matt says. “Sorry for being M.I.A. I had a lot of work to do for the company.”

“Oh, it’s totally fine!” Chad replies with a little too much enthusiasm. “What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you wanna get dinner? The rain’s really heavy right now so we can get some takeout and stay in.”

“That sounds great! What are you thinking?”

“Pizza? Chinese?”

“Pizza sounds great right now.”

“Awesome.”

After Matt orders over the phone, he sits next to Chad who’s currently watching some random show on HGTV about ridiculous and over-the-top million dollar mansions.

“Pizza should be coming in an hour,” he says.

“Sweet,” Chad replies.

There’s a few moments of awkward silence before he speaks again. Matt is staring intently at the

“How have you been? How’s N3rdfusion?”

Matt stares at Chad with an eyebrow raised. As if the past few months of silence wasn’t enough.

“It’s good,” Matt replies. “I mean, running a company takes up a lot of work but I like it.”

“That’s good, that’s good.”

There’s another solid few minutes of silence and an entire segment about a 13 million dollar mansion with aquariums inside it until Chad’s gradual, bubbling anxiety is too much for him to handle especially in the tense silence.

He grabs the remote, puts the audio on mute and turns to Matt.

“Look,” he says. “There’s an elephant room that I can’t avoid.” Matt raises his eyebrows and doesn’t say anything, urging Chad to continue. “I’m really sorry about the past couple of months. I meant to talk to you, but I was in such a bad place during my move to Dallas and it was almost to a point where I almost cut everyone off my life. I know that’s not really an excuse for my actions, especially what happened the night of the marathon. I never meant to hurt you.”

Chad looks down, suddenly feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. He closes his eyes, counts to ten, and tries to steady his breathing for the second time tonight.

Suddenly, he feels hands grip his. He opens his eyes to find that Matt’s reached over to hold his trembling hands (he didn't even know they were shaking in the first place.)

“I do admit,” Matt says. “It hurt pretty bad when you cut me off, but thank you for talking to me about it and acknowledging. I accept your apology. You have to promise me one thing, Chad.”

Chad lifts his head to find Matt staring at him with a determined look in his eyes.

“Promise me that you’ll talk to me,” he says. “I know it’s hard sometimes, especially with your anxiety but I really care about you and it was hard to see you be so distant from us. You have my support, okay?”

“Yeah,” Chad nods. “I promise.”

Matt squeezes his hands and Chad feels comforted. “C’mon, let’s watch some trashy reality TV.”

When he leans over Chad to get the remote, their fingers lace together. For the rest of the night, they stay on the couch, connected by their hands even when they have take-out pizza in front of them.

Everything is alright.

* * *

**+1. forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons**

Being in a house with a bunch of gamers ensues a lot of chaos and noise at any time of the day. But for some reason, the Crackhouse is completely empty at one in the morning, except for Chad, who finds himself at the backyard fireplace staring at the roar of the flames, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his knees.

His thoughts are all over the place.

He loves being with Mindcrack in the flesh, but he always finds himself gravitating towards Matt. He always finds himself lurking on his morning streams or the N3rdfusion streams, watching the way he interacts with his fans and over-exaggerates his reactions. It makes him smile so much his cheek hurts and it makes his heart beat so hard like his chest is a jungle drum.

If Alex’s nosy tweets or the contemplating Twitter and Tumblr posts aren’t enough for Chad to realize his feelings for Matt, it’s the way he finds comfort in being next to him whenever they meet up for conventions. When he feels so much more complete being by his side in panels and restaurants. It's the way they always stand a little too close to each other when they vlog or take selfies together. Or the way they always find a way to come in contact, whether through lingering touches or playful shoulder nudges.

He wants to experience everything with Matt.

“Can’t sleep?”

Chad looks up and finds the subject of his thoughts standing behind him. He’s got sweatpants and a Twitch hoodie on, but he still looks like the most beautiful guy Chad's ever seen.

His heart suddenly races. He hopes the red hair cancels out the blush that's forming on his cheeks.

“Not really,” he replies.

Matt finds his way next to him, sitting and staring at the fire. Chad is incredibly grateful that he doesn’t press the issue further because he can’t really express his whirlwind of emotions right now. Still, it’s comforting having another breathing human right next to him, sharing the silence. Especially if it's Matt.

Chad turns his head, resting his cheek against his legs as he watches the light from the fire light up Matt’s face. He welcomes the overwhelming feeling of affection washing through his body: his rapidly beating heart, the warmth of his cheeks that are definitely not from the fire, and the way he wants to trace his fingers along the small scar below Matt’s ear.

He wants Matt. He wants to be his.

“I really wanna kiss you.”

He’s not sure why he says it; he has the penchant to blurt things out at inopportune moments.

“What?” Matt asks.

“I… um… I…” Chad suddenly feels a sense of dread overwhelm him. He kicks himself in frustration; why does he always have to keep fucking things up? He was doing so well with Matt after Seattle. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable… _shit, fuck…_ ”

He suddenly imagines the worst case scenario. Matt is disgusted with him, decides not to talk to him ever again, and dissolves any friendship they have.

“Chad.”

What does this mean for Mindcrack? Does this mean that one of them might have to leave?

“Chad!”

What about their friends? How will they explain the sudden drift between-

“Chad!”

Suddenly, Chad the firm grip on his shoulder. He lifts his head from the shelter of his knees and sees Matt staring at him with concern on his face.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Sorry,” Chad replies. “I didn’t mean to blurt that out and make you uncomfortable. Hopefully this doesn’t make things too weird.”

“I don’t think it will.”

Chad freezes when Matt brushes a stray strand of hair hanging in front of his forehead, attempting to breathe steady breaths as his fingers trail down his temple to his cheek. He leans into the hand cupping his cheek, and god, who knew Matt had such soft hands?

“I feel the same way,” Matt says, but honestly, Chad can’t really process words with the way thumb is stroking his cheek. “I wanted to tell you for a while but I didn’t know how.”

Chad breathes out the biggest sigh of relief ever, and he finds his way in the crook of Matt’s neck. He feels arms wrap around his waist and a face in his hair.

It’s so interesting how easily they physically entangle themselves with each other so easily, just like how they find each other in every crook and nanny in their lives.

“I’m really sorry for being so distant to you earlier this year,” Chad says. The way his mouth moves along his skin makes him feel funny things. “It was a really bad time in my life and I pushed you away.”

"You already apologized," Matt says.

"I know. I just wanted to apologize again. I never wanted to hurt you."

Matt places a kiss in Chad's hair as a response.

“We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?” Chad asks, disentangling himself from the embrace.

“Yeah," Matt replies, his hands now reaching for Chad's jaw. " But that can wait for another time.”

A beat of silence passes. Chad isn’t sure who leans in first, but suddenly they’re kissing like it’s the easiest thing on earth.

Watching him both online and hanging out with him in real life, Chad can mostly tell who is Sevadus and who is Matt. But sometimes the line between Sevadus and Matt gets blurred. For someone so confident, so loud and so bold, Matt’s kisses are some of the softest he’s ever experienced. From the slow moving lips and the way he holds his face like it’s the most delicate thing in the entire world, he knows that right now, in this moment, he's getting 0% Sevadus and 100% Matt: gentle, affectionate, and incredibly loving.

When they break the kiss, Chad leans his head against Matt’s forehead.

“Should we go to bed?” Matt asks.

Chad shakes his head, reaching in to kiss the living daylights out of him again.

* * *

BONUS:

Jason, Paul, and Baj stand around the backyard, in front of two sleeping figures: Chad and Matt, halfway in between laying and sitting, completely entangled with each other.

“Did they really sleep here the whole night?” Baj asks.

“I’d reckon that’d be incredibly uncomfortable position,” Paul adds.

“What if we woke them up with cold water?” Jason says.

“Please,” Paul replies. “This has been like a year or two in the making. I think we should let them be disgustingly cute for a while.

“I know. I just wanna mess with them.”

“We can take blackmail selfies,” Baj suggests.

“FUCK YEAH. ARKAS, GET US THE REALLY NICE CAMERA."  


**Author's Note:**

> CHAPTER TITLE SONGS:  
> 1) bubbly - colbie caillat  
> 2) say it again - marie digby  
> 3) sleeping with a friend - neon trees (ft. drunk in love by beyonce)  
> 4) how come you don't want me - tegan & sara  
> 5) love lost - the temper trap  
> +1) for him. troye sivan
> 
> -lemonade is a real chain in los angeles and it's good and delicious healthy food and this is coming from someone who doesnt vibe with healthy food check it out if you're ever in LA
> 
> -apparently more people call boba bubble tea so it was interesting using that terminology instead
> 
> -shout out to mk for the tegan and sara song


End file.
